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“Well you look fine.” This is a statement I hear all too often, mainly from doctors, but also from people in general. When I tell them what I’m suffering from, what my symptoms are, this is their usual response, “well you look fine.” That may be so, but it doesn’t mean everything is fine. A house can be on fire inside, but look “fine” on the outside. I went to a doctor recently after suffering for 2 months with a flare up of what I thought was my chronic illness. His first response was a snotty, “Well you look fine.” He was just going to send me on my way, but I insisted, so he begrudgingly ran an EKG and ordered blood tests. The EKG showed that my heart was running slower than it should be. The blood tests came back: Lyme Positive. Evidently I tested very high showing a severe case of it. But I “looked fine”. I’ve been to countless doctors over the last 6 years. Scans, X-Rays, tests, etc... Complaining of chronic pain in my neck and shoulders, digestive issues, memory issues, joint pain, etc, and then the migraines started. All to no avail. They throw medicine at you to mask the symptoms but ultimately the word was “it’s all in your head” and “I don’t understand it, you look fine to me.” As a last resort before the suggestion of injecting poison into my neck to kill the nerves to stop the pain, I went to a chiropractor. He had an X-Ray done before adjusting me as I have 2/3 bones fused together in my neck (since birth). That’s when he found it. Arthritis. I have Osteoarthritis in my neck. He was also the one to push me to get tested for Lyme. I finally got a positive this time around. For the last 6 years I have suffered from Chronic pain and illness. 24/7. To the point where someone recently asked me if I can remember a time I didn’t feel pain. I can tell you the year I didn’t feel pain, but I can’t remember what it actually feels like not to. The only thing all these doctors agree on is the fact that the pain will only get worse as I age. On a scale of 1-10, my pain level on a GOOD day is always a 5/6..... on a good day. Today I found out that I have the beginnings of rheumatoid arthritis in my hands (and possibly other joints). On top of all this, I’ve had issues with my brain lately. It’s just not working at 100%. I’ve noticed more memory issues, functioning issues, etc. I’ve developed a severe sensitivity to light and sounds. I’ve become super sensitive to flashing/moving lights, fans movement, and sounds, to the point where my brain feels weird. My doctor said I’m in danger of seizures, but alas, he can’t do anything about it until I actually have one. His advice: Try not to have one. My chiropractor is the only doctor who I feel has actually helped me. He helps me with pain management, always willing to try new techniques, see me more often if needed, and he has also been super helpful with information on battling my symptoms naturally, with supplements and such. My greatest concern and fear at this point is, what will my quality of life be going forward? I never thought I’d be worrying about this at 27.... Maybe down the line as old age started moving in, but not at 27. There are days now that I can barely walk, function, etc. I can’t imagine what my quality of life will be in 20, 30, 40, 50 years, and that scares me. The moral of the story I guess is this: Don’t judge a book by its cover, and don’t discredit someone by how they look or act, you have no idea what’s going on inside.  Pic on the left is one I snapped (I have no idea why) several weeks ago in the middle of the Lyme battle. It was late at night, I was very ill, in a great deal of pain, tired, frustrated, and discouraged. I look awful (I toyed with even sharing this photo as it is indeed me at my worst, but I think it may need to be seen)........ but the picture on the right is me, natural hair (not straightened, but wet), no makeup, BUT smiling and trying to look like everything is perfectly normal.
The right is how I usually look to people, it’s how I present myself (plus no harsh bathroom lighting).... “I’m fine.” Maybe that's part of the problem too.
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 To a green wood swing
built for two, that perfectly fits just me and you. Built by daddy's hands, through the years it still stands, though a little rough and worn for it's seen many a morn. We treat it with care as we pack it away from the winter air, but oh, come Spring we bring it back out first thing, ready to enjoy the green wood swing. How I've come to love the feel of the rough wood and paint beginning to peel, and the creaking sound as we gently swing and listen to the birds joyfully sing. On the green wood swing we watch the sun rise to our left and set to our right, and gaze at the stars shining bright in the night. A haven to read and write, to laugh and have fun, set in the shade, away from the sun. Many a morning and evening spent here with you, sitting on the green wood swing made just for two. Peaceful and content, we have not one lament, as we watch another day go by staring up at the evening sky. We thank God for small blessings and an old green wood swing. ~Liz Austin 2019 Lord oh Lord, please help me.
I am tired, The kind of tired neither sleep nor coffee can help. How do I go on? How can I live? My bones and muscles cry out in pain, I eat while praying I won't be sick, but it's all in vain. My body is weak, my system battered. I pray to you and read your word, I remind myself of your countless promises. You say you'll be my refuge, a safe shelter, but when Lord? When? How long will I suffer? To you, do I even matter? ~Liz Austin 2019  Is this how life will be?
Pain and illness with an end I can not see? How can I live like this? When life seems like a dark abys, one I can not escape, its strong clenches constantly at my nape. Pain and illness now old companions, as the frustration of fatigue seems like endless canyons ones that I find hard to drag myself out of. Would it be better to just let go and fall? Would it matter at all? One can not live by will alone, and even if I could, I find even that is waning, with every ounce of energy that continues draining. Is all this due to a sin for which I have yet to atone? Lord I don't understand, why don't you reach out a hand? I feel as though I am falling with nothing to grab hold of, while you watch it all with disinterest from above. Is this how my life will be? Or will there be an end to the misery? ~ Liz Austin 2019  So many questions and no answers to be found,
I ask and listen but hear not a sound. Worries and troubles, they eat away at me like a cancer, but I'm talking to a God who does not answer. I don't know where to go or what to do, I need to know what is true, I read through the Psalms, prophets, and the gospels, I search the words and wisdom of the apostles, but still, I hear nothing... I am tired and weak, I'm beaten and battered. If it's one answer that I seek, it's "Have I ever mattered?" I send my prayers up with the skill of a lancer, but I'm talking to a God who does not answer. ~ Liz Austin 2019 |
AuthorBorn and raised in Upstate NY, Liz is a freelance writer. She has written for websites, blogs, and magazines for the last 10 years. She works as a freelance writer and editor, as well as a proofreader and beta reader for several authors, all the while working on her first book. Archives
July 2020
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